A Moment of Reflection

Written by: Madeline McCallum, contributing writer and blogger at http://madelinesmusing.blogspot.com/?m=1

“You do not just wake up and become the

butterfly

 –growth is a process”

Rupi Kaur, The Sun and Her Flowers

Day to day, we expect to fix everything, change the world, and heal ourselves within 24 hours. We get frustrated when important things take time, when we are forced to sit with any discomfort. But when we take the time to actually reflect on our life over a certain period of time, the realization of just how much you have grown and changed can be staggering.

As I was taking a walk in a park near my house the other day, I found myself really contemplating where I was at that moment versus where I was at this time a year ago. As I watched the evaporation of my breath curl around the fingers of my gloves, I felt tired and run down and a little bit lost.

I’ve found the relentlessness of time a bit overwhelming lately – feeling like I need a massive break from life for a bit, but actually, I only have a few days off for the holidays before I am back in the office again. After graduation and upon entering the world of “adulthood,” the majority of the markers of space and time we are used to cease to exist. I’m used to working myself to the bone until winter break, or summer break, relishing in the weeks off and the downtime spent at my childhood home, where I easily slip back into the dependent lifestyle of an exhausted teenager. Life was marked by semesters, by summer break and the beginning of term in the fall, by the schedule of our classes and the weeks we were able to spend resting or on vacation. Now, I can’t help but feel that when I look into the world ahead of me, all I see is “work work work” on an endless loop, with no time off and no space to breathe.

I kept walking further into the park, around the back where there is a lovely little duck pond and a small running creak. I stood on the bridge, watching the ducks slowly swim around and the circular ripples dance out around them. I thought about how right in that moment, when I took a deep inhale in and an exhale out, I felt rest. How crucial it is to now mark my time intentionally by moments like these – in the midst of a working week, taking some time to breathe in and reflect on time passed and ponder the future.

The past year has been tumultuous to say the least, packing in probably the most change I’ve gone through the smallest period of time, ever. I found myself wondering whether I would ever feel grounded again, or if I was just a perpetual wanderer, a gypsy looking for somewhere to lay her head and someone to hold her hand. Although I don’t feel completely settled, I look back on those memories of complete disorientation and feel my feet firmly planted, my thoughts less anxious, and I smile. We truly have no idea what the future holds for us, and hindsight is such a funny thing. If I could tell 18-year-old me what lay before her in the next five years, would I? Would she even believe me? There is no way I could have fathomed how my life would play out.

As I stood looking out onto the pond, the winter air freezing my cheeks, I thought about how there are always ripples created, and the possibility that another duck may fly over and create even more disruption to the circular swimming motion, but the ripples also always settle. If I stood there long enough, I’d see the pond settle into a glassy surface, reflecting back to me the beautiful view of the park trees and the greenery surrounding me. That seemed to me a pretty beautiful realization – no matter how chaotic the surface gets, it will eventually settle. The pond may even freeze over, but the depths below are always kept warm, flowing, just waiting until the next season when things will thaw out and expand.

We do not just wake up one day and become fully-actualized. It takes so much time, and maybe our entire life time. Somehow we put the pressure on ourselves to figure it out before the sun rises the next day and we forget to reflect on how far we have actually gotten, just by getting out of bed every day. Five years ago I had no idea what I wanted, I had no idea who I was and what I liked or disliked and what gave me enjoyment, made me feel alive. The other day in the park I felt warmth in my heart because I knew I loved the trees, and walking, and listening to my favorite music while I walked past the man selling the Christmas trees and hot chocolate. All of the things I have done this year, and in the last decade, have led me to this moment of contentment. And even the parts of this year and that moment that don’t feel so certain or so great – I can take comfort in knowing that next year at this time, hopefully I’ll be smiling at the ways the universe got me through these, too. The sun rose this morning (even though it was pretty gray and in the British winter time, the sun seems more of an abstract idea than an actual, physical presence). But it is there. And it will be there tomorrow.

Wishing everyone happy holidays and a very happy new year – may you allow yourself to rest and reflect!

The Crack in the Crystal Ball

 Written by: Gracie Mayer, contributing writer

We will never fully understand the world by trying to look into the future and predict where our paths will take us.  We usually only understand our experiences when we reflect back on where we have been and what we have learned.

Because we spend every day with ourselves, we fail to see how much progress we make on a daily basis.  Progress and growth are often so uncomfortable and painful, yet we don’t take time to stop and appreciate the process that is happening and give ourselves recognition for all we have walked through.  My birthday is at the end of November, which is also very close to the New Year.  So each time I add another year to my life, I make an effort to reflect on the calendar year that has passed.

Looking over the last year of my life is one my favorite self-reflection activities.  And yet sometimes I can feel paralyzed when I reflect on the unexpected detours my journey has taken.  I am reminded of how the unknown used to leave me so shaken that I would return to negative patterns of behavior that I knew would ultimately lead back to treatment – a predictable and safe conclusion.  However, the more I stepped into recovery, the more I realized that the universe does not curse or bless.  The universe does not dole out good and bad.  The universe only provides neutral experiences.  It is in the way in which these experiences impact our lives for better or worse that is in our conscious control.  A broken heart can render us incapable of leaving the house.  It can color our views of the world so much so that we refuse to trust those around us.  It can drive us to put up guards, locks, and walls around our hearts to make sure that nothing and no one will ever harm us again.  And little do we know that these guards keep the hurt out, but along with the hurt, these walls also keep out any potential good as well.  A broken heart can also drive us to create a masterpiece.  A broken heart can inspire us to chase a dream that has long eluded us because we realize the fleeting nature of our existence.  A broken heart can help us re-evaluate the kind of life/partner/career/family we want which instills a new sense of self-worth and a refusal to settle for any relationship, situation or activity that makes us feel “less than” or “not enough.”

Sometimes I see pictures of my younger self, and I sit in wonder.  This 6, 9, or 12 year old Gracie had no idea the turns her life would take.  Did she know that the college experience that she dreamed of — advancing with ease throughout all four years, meeting the love of her life and friends that would last a lifetime – would change into a series of residential treatment centers, struggles to go back to school, and ultimately attending a small college nothing like any that she had dreamed of?  Did she know she would fall in love like the magic she dreamed of only to have it crumble and leave her questioning what she could have done differently to keep it?  Did she know she would also have the chance to go to Africa, Europe, and South America?  Did she know she would fight back for her life and become strong enough to run two marathons?  Did she know she would meet people that would change her life forever and that she does have friendships that will last a lifetime?  Did she know that the turns in her life would grace her with empathy, resilience, fortitude and courage she never understood a fraction of before?

I no longer fear the unknown like I used to.  Of course there are still days where my stomach turns with anxiety, longing for a crystal ball that will assure me everything will be okay.  But more and more I have learned that the crack in the crystal ball – the unexpected event, or the unexpected gift that comes from the sometimes devastating turn of events – is really the most exciting and inspiring part of the journey.  Now I embrace change, and I even chase it.  I make a concerted effort to step into the unknown.  In the last year I decided to start the journey of yoga teacher training and became a certified yoga teacher, meeting friends and finding a community that brought such healing to pieces of me that I hadn’t realized needed it.  I graduated with my master’s in Social Work and was able to have the gift of working as an individual therapist, returning the gifts of a listening ear, understanding friend and unconditional support that were given to me at my hour of need.  I packed up my life and decided to move to a new state, start two new jobs and throw myself into a completely new climate and community.  I embraced change, leaned into it and actually chose it.  I chose growth.  I chose to trust the crack in the Crystal Ball because honestly it has been the most beautiful and transformative influence in my life.

I cannot wait for the future and yet I am constantly in awe by the beauty of the present.  I am so excited to see where this journey will lead me in the next year of my life.  I cannot wait to look back at pictures of my 20, 21, and 24 year old Gracie and think…she had no idea of the beauty that was to befall her life.